I was working as an exotic dancer when I met my husband. I loved the freedom that the stage cave me to express my sensuality and sexuality. I was impressed that my work did not make him insecure or jealous. I could not have a relationship with anyone that would squelch my creativity.
One night he bought his best friend Jake in to meet me. My heart was in my throat when I saw him, he was one of the most gorgeous men I had ever laid eyes on in my life.
It was an instant attraction, on my part anyways. I wanted him right then and there. I stand there and tried to carry on a conversation all the while thinking what it would be like to have sex with him.
My husband knew well that one of my big fantasies was to be with two men. I enjoyed that Jake was just what I was looking for to make my dream a reality. Little did I know that within a few months it would come to surface.
One day he came home from work and asked me straight out if I wanted to have sex with Jake. I was shocked but excited. Of course I did, so we planned it.
The day of the threesome, was very awkward and at times nerve wracking, but, it was a very enjoyable experience. The passion between Jake and I was so intense, I had not felt anything that strong in my life.
Afterwards, I tried to forget him, but I could not.
A few years went by and we spoke from time to time, just basic "how is everyone?". Catching up, those sorts of conversations that friends have. Normal, every day conversation. He had moved to Wyoming and we were about to move to Nevada.
After we had settled in Nevada, Jake called to say he was going to come visit. I immediately became a bundle of nerves in anticipation of seeing him again. I could not sleep, I could not eat. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?
My husband was not much help, he kept teasing me that my "boyfriend" was coming to visit and how cute it was that I was so flustered. He may have thought it was cute, but I was sick inside. I could not begin to understand what was happening to me inside my mind or my soul. I knew something was definitely wrong, but could not figure out what it was.
A few days later Jake arrived and I began shaking when I heard the car pull up, and heard my husband and him talking as they walked to the doorway. "Get yourself together". I thought to myself.
The door opened and we hugged. I was a nervous wreck and went back into the kitchen to finish dinner that I would end up just picking at.
The visit was nice, we went gambling, we made love, they got drunk and played air-guitar in the back-yard. All the while I still was not getting much sleep. At night I would wake up and just watch him sleep, totally ignoring my own husband's peaceful face.
This time when Jake left I suffered and was depressed for weeks. I thought about him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. This was becoming an obsession yet I did not realize it.
When I would go out to the store I would see personalized products and I would always look for his name. It did not matter what it was as long as it said "Jake" I was going to look at it.
When my husband and I played scrabble at night, I would find words that associated with him, and use those. I was spinning out of control and fast.
About a month later Jake called and said he was moving to the East Coat I was mortified, he would be all the way across the country from me, what was I going to do?
I immediately started sending my husband's résumé out to any and all companies on the East Coast in hopes we would end up in the same state. Months went by, but my husband was asked to fly to Virginia for an interview.
When my husband came from his interview I was told that he got the job and that we had three weeks to get out there. I was shocked, scared and happy at the same time.
About two days later on my birthday Jake called with Birthday wishes for me and said he was happy we were moving there and how fun it would be to be on the same side of the Country. I felt reassured that this was going to be a good thing. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was getting sicker by the day. I started taking an anti-depressant.
On the move, I had a nervous breakdown and was put on anti-anxiety medication as well as two different anti-depressants.
The whole time, my goal was to get to Jake and be close to him, so I could see him again. I did not realize it at the time, but I was completely ignoring my marriage. Too much of my time was sent thinking about Jake.
Once we got to our new home, my husband started his new job, and I busily unpacked the house and got everything arranged. Things were going smoothly at home, but thoughts of Jake were still constant in my mind.
By this time, Jake had gotten engaged to the woman he had been dating for years. I was so jealous of her. I liked her, she was nice, but she had what I wanted, what I craved.
Christmas of that year Jake came to visit, his Fiancé 'Mary was visiting friends on the West Coast, and would be back by Christmas Day, so he decided to spend a few days with us.
The day he was to arrive, my husband came to me and told me we needed to talk. I sat on the bed as he told me that Jake had asked him to tell me that there would be no physical contact on this visit, that he was trying to be faithful to Mary.
I acted like that was OK, but I was enraged inside. I went to the spacious bedroom and placed a professional nude photo of myself on the desk. And shut the door.
When he arrived I acted normal and pretended that nothing was bothering me. We had dinner, we talked, and then we all headed off to bed. I heard his door shut, it was right across the hall from our bedroom. I left the door open and seduced my husband, moaning as loud as I could so that he would hear us making love. I felt very evil inside, "he describes this" I thought to myself.
When I got up the next morning he and my husband were downstairs. I snuck into the spare room and saw that the corner of my nude photo was folded as if someone had been grasping it. I then knew that he had pleasured him looking at my picture and went on downstairs feeling like I had won a victory.
That feeling did not last long. Suddenly a feeling of rage came over me. I had an empty cup in my hand and I thread it over his head where he was sitting at the table.
"What is wrong with you?". My husband asked.
"Him." I said pointing at Jake
"How dare you." I said looking Jake squarely in the eyes. "How dare you use me like you did and now throw me away like garbage on a Monday morning." I stormed up the stairs to my bedroom and beaten.
About 10 minutes later I heard a knock at my bedroom door. It was Jake. I let him in, he had tears in his eyes.
"I am sorry Sam, I was not trying to hurt you, I am just trying to be faithful to Mary." He said
"Oh, so I was good enough to have sex with BEFORE you got engaged, but now I am just trash?". I said
He hugged me and kept telling me how sorry he was and we both fought.
Later that morning I watched him drive away, still in the clutches of anger and grief.
My insides were tortured for weeks, months maybe. I felt so rejected and no man had ever rejected me in the past, so I was dealing with feelings I had not ever felt.
The day he married Mary (they went overseas) I felt like it was a funeral. I tried to be happy for them, but I was so unhappy for me. Why? I had no claim on this man.
It's called Obsessive Love
In healthy relationships, idealization helps people believe that maybe they have found the person of their dreams. But healthy people give them a safety net called reality. They hope their relationship will work out but also recognize that it may not.
Obsessive lovers, on the other hand, work without this net as they struggle for balance on romantic expectations. In the heightened reality of obsessive passion there is no room for doubt., This person will love them somehow, someway, someday.
That was where I was. I just knew that Jake must love me. How could he make love to me and cry with me and not love me?
I would call him at work and pick fights with him, I would email him incessantly. When he would ignore me, I would call more and more no matter how angry he was with me. I did not care how HE felt. At that point it was all about me.
I threatened suicide on more than one occasion. I had no idea what this was doing to him, and I did not care at that particular moment.
He and my husband drifted apart, mostly because I was consuming all of Jake's time and energy.
Jake would later tell me that he had nightmares, could not sleep, poor work performance due to the strain I was putting on him. I never mean to hurt him. I was just expressing my feelings, or so I thought.
I saw help from a therapist that told me there was no way I was in love with Jake, I became angry, but listened.
She told me that I did not know him well enough to be in love with him. She asked me a series of questions
"Have you ever been on a date with him?" No was my answer
"Has he introduced you to his family?" again no was my answer.
We talked at length through several sessions about why I have this obsessive love for him and how I can stop the destructive behavior,
"Is friendship with Jake important to you?". she asked me one day
"Very much so, I think we are and can be good friends."
"Then you must let go of your obsessive feelings and understand that although he MAY care for you, he obviously has no interest in a romantic relationship with you."
Sheave me a list of books that deal with the subject and I read them. I got a better understanding of why I felt the way I did and how it was hurting everyone I cared about, especially myself.
Today Jake and I are very close friends, but the friendship is wounded, and wounds take time to heal. I have made it very difficult for Jake to trust me. We are working on it and it is getting better, but it will be years before our friendship completely heals.
If you are experiencing obsessive love, I plead with you to get help. There is hope and healing after obsessive love.